31/03/2025
BREAKING NEWS: KTM Bankruptcy Bailout
The motorcycle world was shaken to its core when Zyplok Industries, the world’s leading manufacturer of zip ties, announced it had purchased KTM A.G.
At the press conference, Zyplok’s CEO, Dave “The Tie Guy” Henderson, explained the bold move:
“KTM riders are our biggest customers. Every ride, every race, every off-road adventure—they go through more zip ties than a crime scene cleanup crew. When we heard rumors that BMW might buy KTM and actually make them… reliable, we had to act fast.”
KTM fans were ecstatic. Instead of fighting with warranty claims or waiting months for parts, Zyplok introduced a new "Factory Racing" Zip Tie Kit with every KTM purchase. This kit, conveniently mounted where a tool bag would normally go, featured 1,000 industrial-strength zip ties in classic KTM orange.
“We’ve made some small changes to the bikes,” said new KTM-Zyplok Chief Engineer, Greg Strapperson. “For example, instead of bolts, all the plastics are now pre-perforated for quick zip-tie installation. We’ve also made some changes to get rid of the pesky non-warranty non-problems we may or may not have had in the past. To address this non-issue, all new camshafts will be made entirely from zip ties. Faster, lighter, and more in line with what KTM riders were doing anyway.”
Die-hard KTM fans saw this as a win.
"Honestly, it just saves us a step," said Chad "Wheelie King" Thompson, while zip-tying his handlebars back on mid-ride.
Meanwhile, BMW released a passive-aggressive statement:
"We were interested in KTM, but it seems they prefer… innovative structural solutions. Best of luck with that."
Despite the skepticism, the newly formed company called KTZ’s (KTM-Zyplok) sales soared, and adventure riders worldwide rejoiced. Even Ducati riders secretly bought the KTM Factory Racing Zip Tie Kit, just in case.
“We figured since no one knew what the hell KTM stands for, we might as well rebrand the company as KTZ which stands for Keep The Zipties”. Said Zyplok’s CEO
And so, KTM and Zyplok rode off into the sunset—held together by nothing but hope, speed, and about 500 strategically placed zip ties.
HAPPY APRIL'S FOOL DAY!