31/07/2025
Blog Post
So bloody excited for today…Phantasialand has been on my ‘must do’ park list for years, so today was going to be amazing; if only we’d left the kids at home…
Nice early start…like, ridiculously early; almost like we arrived late last night and got given the reservation leftovers. Oh wait…
Up before the sun, ready to hear the Hotel Matamba cockerels crow as ‘Circle of Life’ bursts over the airwaves, and a newborn Lion Cub is displayed atop a makeshift pride rock. The hotel staff appear dressed as various animals native to the African Plains, bow, sing a little song and then begin the preparations for breakfast. It’s a little seen ceremony, but well worth getting up for (note: this may be a slight embellishment of the truth; it was a newborn kitten).
Following the strange breakfast opening ceremony, we head across to the restaurant, past the random (but really inventive) children’s corridor climbing frames and are greeted by an empty dining room. I suppose the staff are all getting out of their Zebra costumes.
Finally seated, and hit the buffet breakfast harder than Alaska hit Grayson to loosen his tooth yesterday. Great spread…huge selection of breads, continental meats and cheeses (yes you know Alaska had to hammer the cheese buffet), cooked breakfast, french toast, and even a specific kids section. Fantastic, and all in with the room cost. Managed to traverse the boundaries of getting my moneys worth, and feeling disgusted with myself; with the former obviously winning, accompanied by a bit of breakfast entertainment as Grayson produces two meatballs from under the table and violently chows down…guess what he was pretending they were?
2 coffees, 1 OJ, and 3 plates of regret later and we were ready to start the day; guess I won’t be eating anything until this evening. Great way to save money; fill up on breakfast and shame first thing in the morning.
Swing by reception and pick up our complimentary fast passes (nice little perk), before heading to the special hotel entrance to the park.
Honestly, I can’t speak highly enough of the hotel. It’s immaculate, incredibly themed, great breakfast, complimentary fast pass tickets and a designated entrance taking us straight into the African area. Oh…and there’s a fricking coaster looping over the entrance bridge. SO DAMN COOL.
First in line, prime viewing area for the rest of the hotel occupants to watch the kids test out patience; Grayson stop bloody claiming that rope bridge…we’ve got coasters to ride!!!
Two minutes until opening and I’m feeling like Arnie in search if a Turboman…”Two Minutes??!! You’re not letting us in over two minutes??!!”…
Feeling the rage and potential for riots (Alaska had started lighting a trash can on fire and really working up the crowd), we are finally let in and head straight for Black Mamba; Phantasialand award winning inverted coaster. Absolutely phenomenal coaster, much longer than any UK coaster and great theming (a theme of the day…). Great added benefit of the ridiculously long walk to the load station; guess they think of everything…working off the Hotel Matamba breakfast. I see you Phantasialand, and I am greatful.
Next up, we consult a map (yeah right…), I mean; we guessed our way into the Berlin area, get wowed and amazed by the attention to detail and incredible structures and scenery, and head straight to Maus au Chocolat. Move over Toy Story Mania…I have a new favourite shooting ride. Based around a mouse infested chocolate factory, where we play exterminator; our weapons? Piping bags full of chocolate I guess?…yep, give the mice what they want, and if you can injure one or two along the way…5000 points to you. I’m gonna say it…incredibly themed, and even had chocolate scent pumped in for good measure. Only downside? Jordan won…must have been something wrong with my piping bag, though I did narrowly beat Alaska and absolutely trounced Grayson. I made sure to rub it in their faces as a character building exercise and moved on.
Enter Rookburgh; Phantasialand’s Steampunk industrial zone…home of the world’s only flying launch coaster. Holy hell…Phantasialand stepped up their game here, and really do show that they can make the most of a small area. Every inch of the land is immaculately themed, and the coaster is a twisted beauty that utilises all the room it can. Must see to believe, but WOW!!
F.L.Y; so unique, first of its kind, insane theming and ride loading and an intense double launch, in just gutted they Grayson was too short to ride. Managed the back row too; won’t talk about my lack of ability to follow simple load instructions or anything…don’t want to ruin the romance of me as a coaster king.
Guess it’s time to treat the kids then…big up the double decker carousel, and take a break while they do a few kids rides and meet Drago, the very begrudging Phantasialand mascot; guess the poor bu**er must be doing community service or something…or maybe he’s just heard the rumour about our kids and wanted none of it. Kids had fun though…
Having worked up an appetite tormenting Drago, and with a newly acquired taste for giant sausage, Grayson pleads hunger and was a mid way through a childlike appeal before I gave in and bought them a Bratwurst each for elevensies; bloody Hobbits. Enjoy guys…you better eat it all!!! Inevitably Grayson regrets his decision; live with your mistakes kids…lesson learned.
Maus? Oh go on then…I needn’t have bothered; faulty gun again, Jordan wracked up her points and took to the winners circle for another stolen victory (ok Dean, you’re sounding like a real bitter loser now). Stupid ride anyway…let’s go somewhere else!!!
Quick stop in the gift shop to eye up all the Maus Merch and play a game of ‘no kids you can’t have that’; fun game…
Escaping with my money still firming in the bank, but a ling shopping list of useless merch, we head across to the fantasy area for a ride on CrazyBats. The best way to retheme an only coaster; through use of VR. Just wish I could have experienced it (insert sad face here). Alaska could ride, but not use the VR headsets, and so pulling the short straw (by being the favourite; it’s not all “Daddy I love you so much”, and cuddles you know…) I was condemned to experiencing the coaster completely in darkness with little Nij. To be fair…still pretty decent, and come with a really fun pre show entertainment…the kids pulling my nose hairs out; yep I’m getting old, and this is what comes of it. Always good of the kids to keep me grounded.
Leaving the darkness of a non VR world, we made our way across to the Super Duper Scary play area. No idea what its actual name was, but I’m petitioning for a name change after experiencing a cargo net 100 feet in the air. Grayson was bricking it, but in retrospect it may have been due to the fire breathing duck totem that the structure culminated in. Seen to be believed I’m telling you…must be a German thing 🤷
Back down to Earth, Grayson finishes hyperventilating into a brown paper bag and heads across to Winja’s Fear and Force…some pretty fun spinning wild mouse style coasters set completely indoors. Manned by the angriest German I’ve ever heard of (I know…a tough crown to achieve, but well deserved), and reminded that dogs are not allowed on board (yep…there was literally a warning sign; begs the question…how many have tried?), we chose Fear. Pretty fun coaster that had Grayson begging for more. Force tomorrow kid don’t worry.
Tittle Tattle Tree terror followed as Grayson remembered at around 100 foot in the air that he had a mild fear of heights. Gray hits the deck faster than Vince McMahon after a Stone Cold Stunner (no idea why, but my Instagram algorithm is constantly showing me wrestling vids at the moment), but quickly revives some form of courage just in time to get off the ride. Braved it there kid…no idea why you ever thought it was a good idea.
Next stop…Ice Cream!!! Damn the food is cheap here…€8 for 4 cones? What is this sorcery??! Again…another great thing about this park; the food is crazily cheap (well compared to usual theme park prices), and also very very delicious.
Ice Cream moustaches acquired…Back to the Maus then? Alaska is in an absolute rage by now; fed up of a ride that ensures a violent arm work out to eradicate a problem that should never exist to begin with. Sorry little loo, we bloody love it. Ok, well if she’s going to be forced to ride again, at least she’s sharing some wisdom with me…”Dad, now do what I teached you”. Cheers babes. To be fair…my best score, even if my gun was broken again 🙄
Right, enough of this; just call an actual exterminator in and stop extorting guests to cull your pest population…let’s head to Mexico. Who knew it was so close to Berlin?Chiapas it is…no idea what it means in Mexican/German…but I’d hazard a guess it means “absolutely bloody drenched”…that or “Strange Mexican skeleton dance party”; to be fair the latter is a bit wordy. Love water rides, but hate the aftermath. Jo and Gray go on as a litmus test for a soaking. Lo and behold both return soaked and shivering; no way am I riding this…wait? Why the hell am I on this ride…Noooooooo. Through an ingenious skill level (giving myself a boarderline wedgie…yep that’s the level of intellect you’re reading about), I managed to escape relatively unscathed. Phwew…never really a fan of walking around like id wet myself all day.
Taron…another bucket list award winning coaster…LETS DO THIS!! Double launch coaster that again wakes the most of every inch of space…brilliant; but why I saw single rider and thought “ooo that’s a great idea” I’ll never know. Took bloody ages in line, but it was well worth it. Jordan didn’t quite agree; she reruns with a tale of trauma of how she almost fell out and spend the ride in a purgatory between safety and death. It was a tough old battle, but she managed to claw her was back to the land of the living; just to tell the tale. I must say though, it was strange that she’s managed to rope in a bard to to regale us all of her brave tale. Btw, that joke would make sense if you had the context of Taron being slightly medieval themed; well now you know….hilarious right??
Great opportunity for the kids to nap, and for me to do another back down lap of Taron…I did not suffer a similar life or death experience as Jordan you’ll all be glad to hear.
Kids begrudgingly awake we slowly amble back to the hotel and meet Quetzel, another Phantasialand mascot. This guy must actually enjoy his job though…he was great with the kids; guess he hasn’t been ground down just yet…give it time.
Tantrum shopping is always fun as a barely awake Alaska tried to buy every rubbish generic cuddly toy known to man. Alaska when will you learn…buy the themed toys so I can add to my (umm I mean your) collection. Once again employing my negotiation skills I managed to talk her down and everyone left happy…well apart from Jordan; she’s still having a tantrum in the shop.
On the way out we are foolishly diverted to the Deep in Africa trail; an assault course where Alaska decided to traverse a waterfall and Grayson refused to use a fireman pole to descend. Why oh why??! One way out though…a slide made completely of rollers…felt like I was scooting across a bloody food warehouse till…*BEEP*.
Made it back unscathed to get ready for our evening meal. Bit of a chill before heading to the bar for the kids to enjoy (well Grayson to enjoy) some complimentary mocktails, and for Jordan to order a cocktail that would inevitably get her overly tipsy in 3-4 sips…bloody lightweight.
No sooner had she started to slur her words we were on the way ti our evening meal…another buffet. Great; let’s once again fill my face and live in disgust. Great buffet, no idea what I was eating though, but certainly made the most of it…and to be fair, I think the kids ate their weight in jelly and sweets. Good kids, reap the rewards of a €19 buffet. Doesn’t even matter than they were sick…we got our moneys worth and that’s what counts right? Oh…and they were serving Zebra in the grill…pretty decent to be fair, and not something I thought I’d enjoy.
Back to the room to pack and get ready for another day in the park and an early checkout. Had a fantastic day and still in absolute awe at how fantastic this park is….very much looking forward to exploring more tomorrow.
