28/05/2025
The Ballad o’ the Wild Hairy Haggis
Oh I once took a walk through the glens o’ Glencoe,
Wi’ a Tunnock’s in hand and my kilt swingin’ low,
When I heard a wee rustle near yon tartan rock,
It wasnae a sheep, nor the coo’s by the loch.
He’s the Haggis, the hairy, the myth and the beast,
Wi’ legs of unevenness, North, South, West and East.
He’s got one eye for whisky, the other for rage,
And he’s more elusive than Nessie, yet twice as deranged!
He dines upon brambles and drams o’ Glen Flee,
And guards sacred stashes o’ tablet and tea.
Some say he’s extinct, some say he’s no real,
But I saw him last Thursday nickin’ chips fae my meal!
He’s the Haggis, the hairy, the tartan delight,
He’ll steal yer shortbread and vanish by night.
He’s got claws for diggin’, and a braw broon pelt,
And he once took a stag in a square go and left a red welt.
They tried to domesticate him in Fort William Zoo,
But he headbutted tourists and drank all the Irn Bru.
Now he's free in the wild, where the ceilidhs run deep,
Huntin’ teacakes by moonlight and scarin’ the sheep.
Oh the Haggis, the hairy, long may he roam,
Through thistle and drizzle, his ancestral home.
He’s the spirit of Scotland, wi’ eyes full o’ fire,
And a deep fried Mars Bar is his heart’s true desire!
So if ever ye wander through glen, loch or crag,
Keep yer tablet well hidden and hold tight yer bag.
For the Haggis is lurkin’ wi’ mischief and might,
And he howls at the moon every Hogmanay night.
