04/01/2026
I laughed until I cried!!! 😂
My name is Moose. I am a Great Dane, a majestic creature of grace and power. Yesterday, I survived an assassination attempt by a household appliance.
Here is my official incident report. Please share to save a life. 🐾
It started on Sunday. Mother dragged out the Flat Skeleton. You know the one. Heavy. Cold steel. Screams SCREEECH-KA-CHUNK when it opens. No skin. Only ribs and long metal legs.
I was napping on the rug, but my protective instincts activated. I lifted my massive head. I had to assess the threat.
Now, under Article 4 of Dog Law, if there is a tunnel, a bridge, or a gap between two objects, we are biologically required to walk directly through the center of it.
So I lowered my head and stepped beneath the skeleton.
Here is where Mother failed to do the math. I am a magnificent 36 inches tall at the shoulder. The hovering Flat Skeleton was set to 34.
As I moved forward, the padded roof lifted neatly onto my spine and balanced there like it had been custom-built for war.
I paused. I turned slowly to look at Mother.
I am a turtle now, Mother. I wear the padded shield. Bring forth the arrows. I am invincible. 🐢🛡️
Mother froze, clutching a plastic triangle.
“Moose. Do not move. Just back up,” she whispered.
Fools.
Moose does not back up.
Moose only goes forward. 🐕💨
I took one bold step toward the kitchen to display my new battle armor. That was when my mighty shoulder brushed a secret metal lever hidden beneath the beast.
SNAP-CLACK.
The locking mechanism disengaged. Gravity took the wheel.
The steel legs did not simply drop. They folded inward with violence. Giant metal scissors swung up around my torso. The padded roof slammed against my spine. Cold metal clamped under my belly.
I WAS SANDWICHED.
THE SKELETON HAS CLOSED ITS JAWS.
I HAVE BEEN SWALLOWED BY THE MANTIS.
EJECT. EJECT. 😱
Pure, 165-pound, four-wheel-drive panic engaged.
I took off running.
Now, let me tell you something. You cannot flee with dignity when you are wearing a collapsed steel skeleton like a metal corset. The long legs dangled under me and scraped across the hardwood floor as I ran.
CLANG-SCREEECH-BANG-CLATTER. 💥
I sounded like a shopping cart falling down a crowded escalator.
I fishtailed around the coffee table. My tail swept Mother’s magazines onto the floor. SWISH-THUD. I thundered into the dining room, screaming my emergency battle cry.
YIP-YIP-YIP.
THE CLAWS ARE IN MY BELLY.
THE MANTIS WON’T LET GO.
Mother was chasing me and yelling something about “brakes.”
What are brakes.
At that point I realized I could not outrun the beast attached to my ribs. I had to scrape it off.
I locked my eyes on the dining room table and launched myself toward the narrow gap between two wooden chairs.
CRASH.
The skeleton was wider than the gap.
The board slammed into the chairs and stopped dead. I did not. I shot out of the front of the metal trap like a champagne cork. 🍾
I skidded across the rug on my belly and came to a halt by the window.
Behind me, the Flat Skeleton collapsed into a tangled heap and gave one final, pathetic squeak.
Silence.
I rose to my feet. I looked at the twisted metal beast on the floor. I looked at Mother. I puffed out my chest, stepped forward, and delivered one deafening bark.
ROOF. 🗣️
I broke its grip, Mother. I folded the beast. It will never iron again.
Mother spent the next thirty minutes trying to heal the metal legs. Our floor now has a three-foot scratch in it, which I consider a victory scar.
I am currently on the sofa, aggressively guarding my flanks in case any other furniture decides to give me a surprise hug.
Mother’s shirts are wrinkled.
And they are going to stay that way.
Stay safe out there, pack.
The household chores are fighting back. 🛑🐕💨
