06/08/2025
Oh, Lake Martin, Alabama — the self-declared crown jewel of the South… if your crown is made of pontoon boats, floating beer coolers, and 50 SPF sunscreen.
This place thinks it’s a slice of paradise, but let’s be honest: it’s just where people go when they want to pretend they’re outdoorsy but still need Wi-Fi to stream college football. It’s the only lake where wearing a swimsuit all day is acceptable—even when you’re just running to Piggly Wiggly for more ice and fireball.
And those lake houses? Half are McMansion monstrosities clinging to red clay cliffs like they’re auditioning for an HGTV show called “Lifestyles of the Mildly Wealthy.” The other half look like they’ve been passed down from generation to generation… mostly because no one wants the property taxes.
Lake Martin likes to brag about “year-round water,” but half the time you’re dodging broken lily pads, swampy boat slips, or someone’s lost Croc from 2009. And don’t get me started on the lake “wildlife”—it’s mostly teenagers on jet skis doing donuts while blasting Morgan Wallen like it’s a mating call.
Still, we all keep coming back, because Lake Martin isn’t about luxury — it’s about lazy. And maybe, just maybe, that’s the point.
Now pass the koozie and crank the pontoon — we’ve got nothing to prove and nowhere to be.
