Don't Be a Moron

Don't Be a Moron Visiting Walt Disney World without being a Moron Tired of guides for dummies and idiots?

Us too, especially when it comes to our favorite place, Walt Disney World.

Mother/Daughter "Hidden" Mickeys.
04/30/2016

Mother/Daughter "Hidden" Mickeys.

When you put yourself in the wrong place, you are going to slow things down. No, it isn’t likely that the automatic doo...
03/20/2012

When you put yourself in the wrong place, you are going to slow things down. No, it isn’t likely that the automatic doors will snap open and break your foot in half, although many of us behind you in line kind of wish that were the case. It’s just that when the doors do open, you are going to have to stagger, and spin around, and take time to maneuver around the door in order to get in. That means that the gigantic herd behind you, which undoubtedly started to edge forward when they saw the doors open, is either going to trample you or slow down as they make their approach.

Here’s an idea. Let’s behave. I know it’s radical, but give it a shot. When a sign says “stay behind the yellow line”, and the area is painted with large, highly visible black and yellow warning stripes, and the door behind the yellow line is closed anyway, whaddaya say we just steer clear of the danger zone. You don’t want to be the one guy holding up the works because you just HAD to get 6 inches closer to the door…unless you’re a moron.

Because we look for shorter lines, try to avoid crowds, and generally want people to stay out of our way, it may appear ...
03/17/2012

Because we look for shorter lines, try to avoid crowds, and generally want people to stay out of our way, it may appear that we are obsessed with breezing through Disney World. Nothing could be further from the truth. The reason (the only reason) to save time anywhere in the parks is to spend more time enjoying the place.

Not everything worth seeing at Disney World comes with a FastPass or is even a ride. Without getting too maudlin, the best part of Disney World happens between rides. The details that differentiate THIS place from a thousand other amusement parks are everywhere. You may as well be visiting Action Park in New Jersey, however, if you never take the time to notice them. And if you're wasting time haggling with a cast member at a Fastpass entrance about whether it's 4:45 or 4:50, you're going to miss them.

This may simply be the age-old cliche of "stop and smell the flowers" applied to the Disney parks, but it's still good advice. When you come to the Magic Kingdom or Epcot or any of the other parks, you simply aren't getting your money's worth if you don't take in the scenery, look for a Hidden Mickey, chase the water at a jumping fountain, or do SOMETHING other than complain about the heat and how long the lines are. You can't just parade from one E-ticket ride to the next, ignoring all the wonders in between...unless you're a moron.

The Disney parks are littered with quiet, inconspicuous, out of the way locations for catching your breath, having a sna...
03/14/2012

The Disney parks are littered with quiet, inconspicuous, out of the way locations for catching your breath, having a snack, and yes, even having a smoke. The key here really is “out of the way”. The middle of a busy main-thoroughfare is not the place to plop down and check the map, adjust the back of the stroller, or take inventory of your FastPasses.

Here’s an easy test: if there is room for people to move on ALL sides of you, that means you’re stopping right out in the open and you chose a bad place to park yourself. It almost never takes more than 5 or so steps to get off to the side and be out of the way. Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. And you don’t want to be part of the problem…unless you’re a moron.

Mom is not your family's personal Sherpa. She and Aunt Marge should not be relegated to sitting on a bench, guarding th...
03/13/2012

Mom is not your family's personal Sherpa. She and Aunt Marge should not be relegated to sitting on a bench, guarding the mountains of crap you have been buying all day long while you ride Test Track and Mission Space. This, of course, is why Disney shops offer package pick-up and resort delivery. Staying at a Disney hotel? Super! Just let them know and your stuff will be waiting in a designated location by the time you get back. Staying off property? No problem! You can have your stuff sent to the front of the park to pick up on your way out. Either way, you win because you no longer have to lug this stuff around all day. More importantly, you don't have to make your mother sit on the sidelines during your Disney vacation...unless you're a moron.

The Disney resorts all now offer some kind of food court with large, often circular service areas providing multiple sta...
03/12/2012

The Disney resorts all now offer some kind of food court with large, often circular service areas providing multiple stations to help you fill up on drinks, load up your burgers, or stock up plastic ware and other accoutrements. As one might imagine, the carrousels can become terribly crowded during the breakfast, lunch and dinner hours with people filling, pouring, covering, and/or getting what they need.

Because of this, we suggest NOT standing directly in front of the coffee station, while you add your sugar and cream, stir and take a sip, decide it’s too hot and add some ice, replace the lid, sip, gargle, etc. Bring a tray so you can load up and move on, taking time to brew the perfect cup of Joe back at your table. There are 37 guests behind you who have also not had THEIR morning coffee, and watching you play Barista has them contemplating ways to kill you.

While we understand the need for a healthy dose of caffeine before tackling the theme parks, this is not your kitchen at home, and there's no reason 6 people should be standing around waiting for you to finish up. Fill your cup, grab cream cups, sugar packages, stirring sticks and lids, and whatever else you might need, and vacate the area….unless you’re a moron.

Standing in line, waiting to get on "it's a small world", there's nothing more annoying than hearing people lament how m...
03/09/2012

Standing in line, waiting to get on "it's a small world", there's nothing more annoying than hearing people lament how much things have changed and how it "just isn't the same!"

Right. Exactly. That's the plan. We don't want to get mired in a philosophical debate about the inspirational nature of Walt's vision, so let's put it this way. Get over it! The world changes; attractions come and go; everything evolves.

We are all sad about the Swan Boats, the Skyway, and Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. All of us, that is, except the MILLIONS of people who never rode any of them! Everyone has their idea of what Disney World "should" be – what things are sacred and what things we’d be happy to see go - and no one is “right”. Just find a way to reconcile your idea against what Disney World has become and what it will be next, and you can relax and enjoy the place...unless you're a moron.

FastPasses exist to let you get on rides faster even when the lines are long. But yes, sometimes even the standby lines ...
03/09/2012

FastPasses exist to let you get on rides faster even when the lines are long. But yes, sometimes even the standby lines are short! Shocking! How can we deal with such a confusing conundrum? Let us spell it out for you:

Get a FastPass. THEN ride the ride.

Sadly, there are people who, overcome by this and other apparent FastPass contradictions, give up on the process all together. Worse yet, some of those people, paralyzed by the complexity of it all, GET IN OUR WAY. We are astonished at the number of people who seem to not "get" the whole FastPass thing, so let us lay out the two cardinal rules:
1) never use one FastPass before getting another (ABC – Always Be Carrying a FastPass!)
2) never use a FastPass if the wait is 15 minutes or less

FastPasses aren't rocket science. Take our advice and you keep it simple. You should be able see more things in less time, or at the very least not slow other people down...unless you're a moron.

Being trampled outside the exit of Columbia Harbour house is no way to end a Disney vacation. Sure, it's a memory that ...
03/06/2012

Being trampled outside the exit of Columbia Harbour house is no way to end a Disney vacation. Sure, it's a memory that will last a lifetime, but hardly a magical moment. Especially when it only happened because your parents didn't have the brains to move two steps to the right or left before pausing to plan their next move.

Whether you're talking about popular rides, crowded gift shops, or jam-packed restaurants at mealtime, a doorway is a counter-intuitive place to park yourself, and an even more counter-intuitive place to park your loved ones. When entering and exiting anything at Disney World - even the bathroom - all you need to do to avoid injuring yourself and annoying others is to KEEP MOVING! Don't assume it’s okay to stop and chat with your family simply because YOU are all done and on your way out… unless you’re a moron.

Disney World has really stepped up its culinary game over the past decade, offering healthier food items and innovative ...
03/05/2012

Disney World has really stepped up its culinary game over the past decade, offering healthier food items and innovative choices even at its fast food joints. But after years of observing our fellow park-goers choosing a queue for “refueling” before continuing their Disney adventure, we have come to the conclusion that some of them must visit the parks for the sheer excitement of waiting in line.

They seem convinced that the line containing the most other people leads to some sort of magical treasure, a special treat available only to those who have earned “most crowded line” status. Maybe that’s it, or maybe they’re simply too lazy to walk a few steps further into the building to where a shorter line awaits. We don’t know.

What we do know is that the 95% of all guests who will stand in the line that is closest to the entryway will eventually create a human retaining wall, preventing other, smarter guests from getting to a less crowded line. When visiting one of the many wonderful, counter-service restaurants the park has to offer, just use your keen powers of observation to find that shorter line only a few feet further away from the door. Then all you have to do is walk in that direction...unless you’re a moron.

Okay, Disney World fanatics! With our scrap books brimming with vintage park guides and brochures, our lanyards sagging...
03/05/2012

Okay, Disney World fanatics! With our scrap books brimming with vintage park guides and brochures, our lanyards sagging under the weight of far too many pins, and our walls layered thick with limited-edition-limited-release-signed-original lithographs, we already blur the line between enthusiasts and hoarders. Now, with the advent of these little vinyl blobs, some of us have gone too far. Even collectors of the most obscure items – Elvis junkies and Toaster-philes and people who still have their Pogs from the 90’s – they look at us and think “now that’s just weird!”

These Vinylmation things are just plain creepy, and the growth of their popularity marks a seriously disturbing trend. We are the last people to begrudge anyone giving their money to the Mouse, and we certainly don't want to mess with the Disney bottom line, but there are SOOOO many better ways to waste cash in the Magic Kingdom. Here’s some knowledge:

4 Vinylmation statues = about $55 = 1 “Park Hopper” upgrade for your 2 or more day tickets = 1 Disney World Sweatshirt = 2 lunches at Liberty Tree Tavern = 3 posters = 8 Disney Pins = 107 pressed pennies

Do the math. We know you can do better when it comes to choosing souvnirs...unless you’re a moron.

There's no secret. No trick. No special experience or benefit those people get for going through the busier security l...
03/04/2012

There's no secret. No trick. No special experience or benefit those people get for going through the busier security lines. Still, we are amazed at how often parkgoers will ignore a completely empty security queue and follow the crowd. Those other lines aren't empty because they aren't as good; they're empty because (when the monorail last unloaded four minute ago) more people went left than right.

More than anything else, getting the most out of Disney World requires simple common sense, so here's a simple corollary: going to the shorter line = getting through faster = getting to Space Mountain that much sooner. You can save a lot of time by staying alert and looking for shorter lines...unless you're a moron.

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