06/19/2022
I've been working with the program for a month now, and there have definitely been ups and downs.
In retrospect, I wish I'd asked for help earlier, but I thought I might be expecting too much, too fast, and I should just let things go at their own pace.
I've been living life too long with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. I need traction. I've been working on motivation/ procrastination, but I had some breakthrough moments doing forgivemess and emotional release processes, so I thought I'd come at it from a new angle. Maybe it's not about motivation or purpose. Maybe it's about self-respect and self-love. I thought the Get Over a Breakup program might help.
I thought I'd go through the program twice, focusing first on the ex-husband, then on the mom. There was a nine-year marriage that ended in 2005. Alcoholic husband, beyond my coping skills. Resembled (in temperment) my mother, with whom I broke contact when I was 17. I was her live-in helper (also beyond my coping skills) for the two years before she died about 18 months ago.
I've made improvements: I've gotten some traction on the projects I've wanted to work on, which is encouraging. I continue to have the approach/avoidance issues, but there's more progress and less avoidance, so... improvements. I'd like more velocity, but I'm sure that will come as I make my second round through the program.
I DON'T work with relationships much. I've had horrible results with smokers and drinkers going through divorces or breakups, so I refer out until their relationship issues are settled.
I've got no shortage of state-change tools, I'll psych myself up into a get 'er done mindset... and then think, "Why bother? Nothing will come of it," and I'll open Netflix, or Facebook, or a novel, or a bottle of wine. And every time I decide to end the cycle for good and abandon the projects, something sparks my interest and I'll dig in again, avoid it again, and the whole accelerator+brakes ambivalence thing starts all over.
SF COMMUNITY: Unconventional. Experimental. Evidence based. Curious. Playful. Let's try it out/on. Impermanent. Flexible. Aspirational.
AS OPPOSED TO: Conventional. Rigid. "Society says," external, unquestionable standards.
I had a lot of trouble with Day 12, because the ex-husband and I have had no contact since the marriage ended. And if I were to run into him today, randomly?
I had a lot of trouble with Day 3 Seeing Through the Eyes of Love, and theDay 20 List What You Like About Yourself pretty much stopped me in my tracks. On the other hand, the Day 9 Chantingy and Serenity Process have been super helpful.
Thanks again,
Michelle
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I got in the car to run a brief errand, and a guy was talking about how patient his family was while he spent a week making nothing but pupusas, trying to tweak the recipe to perfection.
I've done that! Making a dozen scone recipes, looking for the perfect balance of butter, flour, levening, sugar. Quiche. Chili. Ratios matter.
Some clients come with issues that resolve wholly and rapidly exactly as they've envisioned. Others see progress in surprising, unexpected, or incremental ways. They discover how small changes can start a domino chain of effects. They make rhymes that remind themselves of their goals and how well they're doing. ("I'm happy, healthy, active and attractive," one client announced every time she came in.) They feel better--their comfort zone expands--and try new things. They tweak, adjust, delight, and discover.
Psychologist Benjamin Hardy talks about importance the gap and the gain: So often, we become discouraged because we've been focusing on the gap between where we are and where we want to be. When we instead measure what we've gained--skills, knowledge, accomplishments, experiences, progress--we often discover the encouragement and inspiration we were looking for.
One way to do this is to make a list. I like to divide it up in 5-year increments, and I like to start young: ages 1-5. This focuses on all the stuff you *think* you always knew, but you actually had to learn, and it can reconnect often undervalued qualities playfulness, curiosity, and openness.
I remember talking about trying new things with one client. "You've learned a lot of things in your life," I said. "You learned to drive, right?"
"No", they said. "I always knew how to drive."
I stared at them. "Wait... you mean when you were born--when you were an *infant*, you knew how to drive?"
"Oh, no. But I *always* knew how to drive. I learned when I was twelve or fourteen."
This effectively erased 12 or 14 years of experience! What about learning to walk, riding a bike, having to hold an adult's hand while crossing the street? By erasing that progression, we don't get to acknowledge how far we've come!
When I find myself having trouble changing my focus from the gap to the gain, when I feel stuck and don't know what to tweak, I ask for a trusted professional's perspective. If you're stuck and need a new perspective, schedule a free 30-minute strategy session for us to chat!
