06/16/2026
Welcome to Florida.
People from up north are always saying, "We're thinking about moving to Florida."
And Floridians smile politely and say, "Oh, that's nice."
What we don't say is:
"Have you met the welcoming committee?"
Gestures dramatically at palmetto bug.
This is a palmetto bug.
The tourism board calls it a palmetto bug because "giant flying cockroach" doesn't fit nicely on brochures.
The first thing newcomers notice is that it's bigger than expected.
The second thing they notice is that it can fly.
The third thing they notice is that it flies directly at their face with the confidence of a heat-seeking missile.
"Why is it coming toward me?"
Nobody knows.
Science has theories, but mostly it appears to be powered by panic and bad intentions.
A family from Ohio arrives.
"We're tired of snow."
The palmetto bug nods from the shadows.
"We love warm weather."
The palmetto bug rubs its little hands together.
"We want to sit on the lanai every evening."
At this point the palmetto bug is already drafting the invitation.
Three weeks later:
"HONEY! THERE'S ONE THE SIZE OF A HAMSTER ON THE SCREEN DOOR!"
A neighboring Floridian calmly sips sweet tea.
"First one, huh?"
The newcomers buy bug spray.
The palmetto bug interprets this as a personal challenge.
They seal cracks.
It appears in the bathroom.
They seal the bathroom.
It appears in the garage.
They seal the garage.
Now it's sitting on the patio furniture looking offended.
Eventually every Floridian reaches acceptance.
You walk outside at night.
A palmetto bug the size of a small submarine scurries across the porch.
You both freeze.
You make eye contact.
Neither of you is happy about this arrangement.
But you've lived together long enough to respect each other's boundaries.
Mostly.
So whenever someone says, "I'd love to move to Florida," I show them this picture.
"See that?"
"That's our state bird."
"It doesn't sing."
"It doesn't migrate."
"It occasionally achieves low Earth orbit."
"And if you're lucky, it'll introduce itself at two o'clock in the morning while you're barefoot."
Welcome to Florida. š“šŖ³š